Too much to do and not enough time to do it? Say ‘no’ more effectively by being clear about your ‘yes’.

Most people I work with as a coach are juggling lots of things at home and work.  They often have something in common; they would like to say ‘no’ more often but they don’t. When asked to add one more thing to their list, whether that’s at home, work or socially, the word ‘no’ may be screaming in their heads but instead when their mouth opens, the words that come out is…’yes, I can do that for you’, followed by building frustration and resentment for the next few days or weeks.

Why do we do this?

·      We really want to help and support others

·      We don’t want to risk damaging a professional relationship

·      We don’t want the other person to think we are letting them down

·      We have the skills to do it so automatically think we should

·      We know the other person is under a lot of stress

And so on…

As humans we are social animals and we want to be needed and liked. So we say yes, with good intentions but this is often at the detriment to ourselves when the demands on our time outweigh the capacity we actually have to deal with them. This month I’m offering three tips for saying no more effectively – but it takes practice!

1.     Remember that every time you say ‘yes’ to something you are saying ‘no’ to something else

I offer an example shared with kind permission by one individual I coached this year. She has a heavy workload in a job she loved and a manager who was very supportive. However, because my client was very good at her job, she was often asked to take on extra tasks. She had got into the habit of saying yes every time she was asked to add something and then found herself struggling to complete the work, often staying late, feeling resentful and not getting to spend as much time with her children in the evening as she wanted. The thing is if you keep saying yes, people are going to carry on asking.

I asked her a simple question. If you are saying ‘yes’ to this extra work, what are you saying ‘no’ to.  Hearing herself say out loud that by saying ‘yes’ to taking on work outside her remit, she was also saying ‘no’ to time with her children was a simple but powerful realisation for her that gave her the courage to start to say no more often.

It doesn’t need to be a hard ‘no. You could consider responding with…

“I can’t do it now because (share your reasons) but I could do it…(give reasonable date)

or

“I could do that but I would need some help to reprioritise my tasks. Can you help me with that?”

This second response worked well for my client whose manager had not appreciated exactly how much other work was on their plate and assumed she was saying yes because she had capacity. Together they worked out a solution that worked for both of them which was a more adult transaction.

2.     Expect and sit with the discomfort – growth happens outside of our comfort zone

There is likely to be some discomfort at changing a habit and saying no if you usually say yes. That’s okay. Sit with the feeling knowing that changing our mindset takes us out of our comfort zone.  That feeling will pass in time. The stronger and more consistent you become in making conscious and informed decisions about your yes and your no, these uncomfortable feelings will gradually get less. Go easy on yourself and acknowledge that you are choosing something different and breaking free from an old pattern. 

Through coaching conversations my client was able to identify that she would rather endure a few minutes of discomfort at saying no (she self identified as a people pleaser) than days or weeks of feeling resentful and exhausted because she had said yes instead of no. Which would you choose?

3.     What if you are not sure whether you want to say yes or no?

If you’re unsure, buy yourself some time. Sometimes it’s difficult to say no when its something that sounds like it would be a good opportunity which you might end up missing – FOMO! Give yourself permission to pause before you respond.  That might be saying to someone…

‘Can I get back to you? I just need to check my diary/schedule/capacity’

or

‘Let me think about that and then see if I can commit to that’

That buys you time to go back with a response that works for you which might be a yes! If so, it will be an informed yes, having weighed up the situation rather than a reaction that you wished you hadn’t given.

Tips from two of my favourite experts

Brene Brown, researcher on empathy and the power of vulnerability, advocates choosing courage over comfort. She has a tip for buying yourself time in these situations. She wears a ring and every time she is asked to do something she is unsure whether she wants to do, she pauses, breathes and turns her ring 5 times around her finger giving herself the chance to calm down the ‘people pleasing’ aspect of her personality and instead give a more rational response.

What could you do to buy yourself time?

Dr Rachel Morris, Founder and host of ‘You Are Not a Frog’ podcast suggests that when you’ve decided to say no to think about why and about the choice you are making. Using some powerful self talk such as…

“I am choosing to say no to X so that Y”

…is very helpful. It helps to ground you in your motivations and values when you’re saying no which will help you deal with the inevitable pushback when it comes.

I leave you with some final food for thought. This statement was put to me when I was having my own coaching dilemmas about this years ago…

Those who have the most difficulty with you setting boundaries and saying no are the ones who benefitted most when you didn’t have any.

It’s a lifelong practice but consider this. There is often one place we are often very good at saying no and that is to ourselves. What would it take to flip that?

What would it take to say yes to yourself more?

If you want a thinking partner to help work that one out, get in touch on flamingoplm2022@gmail.com to find out how coaching could benefit you.

Be more flamingo in 2024!