Managing the cogs and wonky wheels of your life

I’ve always found the term work/life balance problematic...

How can we separate the two when work is part of life rather than a separate entity?

Whether it’s paid work, volunteering, or other meaningful activity, ‘work’ takes up a large segment of life so I prefer to think of it as part of the whole jigsaw of our lives rather than something separate.

When I first started coaching, I tended to use the phrase ‘life balance’ as this is mostly what people who approached me said they were looking for. I always try to respond to what clients are concerned with and common inquiries to me were phrased as...

“I just want to find balance/get some sense of balance back”

“I haven’t got the balance right between work and home”

But, the more I think about my own life and listen to coaching clients, the concept of balance doesn’t feel quite right either. Can life ever be in balance? All the elements of our lives are not a set of scales that can ever balance out. It can feel then like an impossible ideal state to reach.

Many coaches use the term ‘work/life’ or ‘life balance’ reflecting their clients language. Others are also talking about ‘life blend’ or ‘life integration’ which starts to recognise that our lives have many elements that we need to pay attention to in order to feel fulfilled and/or that we are moving in the right direction. I think all should use what feels right to them in their lives.

The imagery that is starting to work for me and catching on with my clients is to think about our lives as a set of cogs. They all need to be working and moving in order for the whole to work but they can all be different sizes and may all need attention at different times.

Some of you will have come across a foundational coaching tool called the ‘wheel of life’ and I was working with a client recently whose experience provides me with a good example here. The process involves you considering and defining the areas or dimensions of your life that are important to you. We are all different so the dimensions shouldn’t be prescriptive. However, this might look like:

• The roles you play in life, for example: husband/wife, father/mother, Partner, family member, manager, colleague, team member, sports player, community leader, or friend.

• Areas of life that are important to you, for example: artistic expression, positive attitude, career, education, family, friends, relationships, finance, physical and mental health, fun and recreation, or public service, environment (eco), spiritual and personal growth

• Your own combination of these (or different) things, reflecting the things that are your priorities in life.

The idea is that you then write down these dimensions on the diagram, one on each spoke of the life wheel. You then consider each dimension in turn, and on a scale of 0 (low) – to 10 (high), write down the amount of attention you're devoting to that area of your life. Mark each score on the appropriate spoke of your Life Wheel and then join the dots.

Most of us will end up with a picture of a wonky wheel.

The assumption can be that you are aiming for a perfectly balanced wheel but sometimes a wonky wheel that still manages to turn is absolutely fine! My client noticed that she scored quite low on one of her ‘spokes’ and had been feeling guilty about this. However, once we spent time looking at this dimension of her life in the context of what else was going on for her, she was able to recognise that she was doing enough to keep it going and that was absolutely fine for now as her energy was needed elsewhere. Using this visual tool she could see that the different areas of her life were not remotely ‘in balance’ but needed different levels of attention at different times. Accepting that she couldn’t do it all, took immediate pressure off her and instilled a sense of relief.

However, perhaps you may notice that one dimension is scoring low and you are not happy or comfortable with that. This is a great starting point for a conversation or self reflection about what needs to change.

To add to the ‘wheel of life’, I use two tools regularly to help me maintain my own personal cogs:

1.     Circle of control: I remind myself that it is in my control to decide how I am going to use my energy on any particular day, week or month. I control my choices, my actions, my decisions, my behaviour and what I say. I also have control about what I’m going to say no to so that I have enough time to focus on what is important. Saying ‘no’ effectively and comfortably is a big topic and will be the subject of next month’s newsletter/blog.

2.     Curating my week: being self employed I have to juggle a lot. I am coach, trainer, content designer for the courses, marketer, social media manager, accountant and chief bottle washer! But I’m also a wife, sister, friend, writer, runner and yogi as well as a devotee of Netflix or thriller novels!

So every Sunday I look at everything I want or need to spend time and energy on and this does not just include work. I look at what is coming up in terms of friends, family and also when I want to run, write and do yoga or whatever else has grabbed my interest. I then realistically look at what proportion of time I can and want to spend on each of these – starting with the non negotiables and then plot them in.

All of the cogs of my life are important to me – friends, family and downtime are not an optional add on. They all make the whole wheel work but every week is different and some weeks some of the cogs need more oiling than others.

 These three tools either individually or together, can support you in:

·      Making a conscious choice on how to spend your energy based on what is important to you – the reasoning for that may change depending on what is going on for you

·      Understanding what you need to prioritise at different times

·      Reinforcing that you have choices and control and making use of that

It’s about being self aware, making conscious and intentional choices that work for you. It can help with feelings of overwhelm and stops you from feeling disappointed with yourself or feeling guilty that you are not achieving the perfect ‘balance’.

  Sometimes a wonky wheel is okay, you just need to maintain the cogs in the chain

If you want to assess your own wonky wheel, get rid of disappointment and reach some acceptance about what is right for you, please do get in touch!

flamingoplm2022@gmail.com