Leaving the imposter behind by taking messy action!

I used to spend time dreaming of things I wanted to do or learn but not necessarily doing anything to make that happen. My self talk often included telling myself the time wasn’t right yet or that I needed all my ducks in a row before moving forward.

This meant that months and sometimes even years passed before I ever took a step towards what I wanted to do. As someone who left school with low expectations of what I could achieve, I always seemed to be doing things a decade after everyone else! I always felt I was catching up with something but never quite sure what that elusive ‘something’ was. Some of this could be explained by the imposter experience. With this mindset I would:

·      Question whether I was ‘good enough’ to apply for a particular position (despite having the required qualification and qualities)

·      Wonder if I was too old to join an evening class on creative writing

·      Wait longer than I should have before setting up my own business

I was reminded of how much my mindset has changed after attending a recent workshop run by the Alt-Collective on the imposter phenomenon. Giving into these feelings of ‘imposter’ meant I was protecting myself from possible failure but also keeping myself ‘small’.

I don’t really fit into the more recently defined classifications of the imposter experience and wouldn’t describe myself as a perfectionist. Instead, I know my feelings of ‘impostership’ are more aligned to the original work of Clance and Imes, two psychologists who found that imposter type feelings often originated in those who came from a working class background (tick), first born (tick), first in the family to achieve academic qualifications (tick) and who had no expectations from school or family regarding achievement (tick). People who fit this profile are more likely to say they’ve been lucky to get where they are and underplay their abilities.

After finally entering the world of academic study (studying whilst working full time) I was doing well but still felt I had a secret. I didn’t think I belonged and was just waiting for people to notice, pull the rug out from under me and ask what I was asking myself...“how has someone like her ended up here”?

At that time, I didn’t know anything about the ‘imposter’ experience. If I had, things might have been different. Instead, for most of my life, I just hid. I was quiet in the classroom, hid my voice, hid who I was and where I was from, scared that if people knew the real me, they would walk away.

Instead, it wasn’t until I started studying for a doctoral qualification required for my job as a Senior Lecturer that I began to understand why I was feeling the way I was. Before starting our investigations as new researchers we were encouraged to think about what influenced us. This involved creating a mind map of my home/childhood/family/educational experiences, questioning how these had influenced my views, values and beliefs about the world and shaped the type of practitioner and researcher I was becoming.

Sounds interesting, I thought. Right up my street. I enjoy journaling, I like to think I’m a reflective person – and who doesn’t love a good, colourful mind map? But I was avoiding the task and I couldn’t work out why. I put it off for weeks until finally I sat down with coloured pens and a big sheet of paper to entice me (I like playing with colour!) Then as red, blue, yellow, green decorated the paper, I understood.

Wave after wave of unsettling memories washed over me. My husband was quietly reading on the sofa next to me and all he could hear were big sighs and exclamations of ‘Oh my God!’ and ‘You’ve got to be kidding!’ At one point I just started giggling uncontrollably at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation and had to ask the question I thought everyone else would ask…how the hell did someone like me get to the point of doing a doctorate? This was a lightbulb moment. As my memories revealed themselves in all their colourful glory, I could see the choices I’d made in life and career came from feeling very marginalised at home, school and work. I started to realise something I wish someone had told me when I was younger. ‘People like me’ can and should do these things in life, as we have a voice and a contribution to make.

Since then I have been embracing these feelings and taking messy action to stop holding myself back. By this, I mean I just have a go and learn along the way. Now when I spot these feelings raising their head, I remind myself that:

·      Thoughts are not facts: when I’m doubting myself, I list all the things I know I can do and have proof that I’ve done. I look at feedback I’ve received from others to remind myself that I have a contribution to make and can make an impact.

·      Feeling like an imposter can present a real learning opportunity. We are not good at everything and sometimes it is helpful to acknowledge where I might have gaps in my knowledge or experience and then work out how to fill those.

Thinking like this has transformed my approach to life and has led to me:

·      Setting up ‘People Like Me’ coaching and training consultancy – just approaching my first birthday as a business owner!

·      Putting myself out there on LinkedIn and other social media – using my voice to talk about issues that are important to me and the people I coach

·      Put myself forward to present at conferences and events both internationally and locally, gaining so many valuable contacts and friends as a result

·      Joined a writing group and started to write a novel

All these things started with ideas followed by doubts but by taking messy action I made the effort, faced the doubts and learned along the way – plus I’m having fun!

What is self doubt stopping you from doing? What messy action could you take?

Get in touch if you would like to plan some messy action to start making your own dreams and plans a reality on flamingoplm2022@gmail.com