Getting out of your own way! 3 questions to ask yourself when you have a goal
I work with many people who have something they really want to achieve or a different path they want to take but feel stuck and unsure how to move forward. People may describe a feeling of being held back by circumstances or by other people and cannot see a way to break down those barriers. However, I know from my own personal experience and the work I do with others that as we explore and reflect a bit deeper, it becomes clear that the person who is holding us back is often ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves.
I’ve recently been reading an excellent book by Dr Grace Lordan “Think Big. Take small steps and build the future you want?”. She takes a very down to earth approach applying behavioural science to our everyday lives, decision making and choices. The book reminded me of how much work I have had to do over the years on my own self limiting beliefs before I could support others to do the same. I had a very big goal but I had to get out of my own way before I could even start to achieve it.
As someone who came to Higher Education later than most people because I didn’t think a degree was for ‘people like me’ (hence title of my coaching business), my ear is finetuned to hear those narratives in other people. When I worked as a Senior Lecturer with Health and Community Services, I taught nurses, who like me, had gained their qualifications before a degree was required for registration but who now wanted to achieve the new standard. Many of these nurses had often not studied formally since school (although they had all kept themselves up to date) and were telling themselves (and me!) various versions of the following:
- “I’m not good enough to do a degree”
- “I’m too old for this”
- “Everyone else is brighter than me”
- “A degree is not for people like me”!
These are examples of self limiting beliefs that can derail people. They certainly derailed me for years and put me off studying until probably 12 years later than most of my peers. But once I’d started, I didn’t stop as I had found something Ioved.
It is not that I or any of these nurses were afraid of hard work. Indeed, many of them were working full or part time with unsocial shift patterns and heavy workloads in addition to caring responsibilities for younger and/or older family members at home. If you add study time and essay writing on top of that, it can easily seem daunting if not unachievable. This was going to be a tough journey.
So...what got them (and me) from a set of limiting beliefs to massive smiles and glasses of bubbles on a University lawn at a graduation ceremony? Over the course of my time working with them I learned a lot from working with time poor but committed nurses. I understood that they were experts in their own lives, were studying in a complex work and home context and so needed to develop strategies that would work for them.
I listened hard, stayed curious and started to ask three key questions that if we spent time on exploring them, would support them on their path to what Michael Bungay Stanier (of Box of Crayons coaching) would call their Big Audacious Goal (BAG). I wish someone had asked me them a long time ago!
1. What is it about gaining this degree (insert any BAG here) is important to you?
Of course the academic qualification at the end is important and for some it might have resulted in a promotion. However, I discovered the thing that was really going to keep them going when times were tough was the emotional value or feeling they attached to the process. For some it was about making their family proud, proving something to themselves or just a desire to learn something in depth. In one case, one nurse said she wanted to prove her family wrong; as they all sadly thought she would not be capable. The answer was different for each individual but knowing what the value of the process and outcome was to them was something that would make the work worth while and keep them going when times got hard.
2. What are the stories you are telling yourself that are stopping you from moving forward with this?
Both personally and in coaching I try to identify the narratives that are potentially holding me/client back. This isn’t easy to do by yourself which is why using a coach or another type of thinking partner can help. The book by Dr Grace Lordan has some great individual activities to get you thinking. As usual, it all starts with self awareness. So next time you turn down an opportunity try paying attention to what you tell yourself or anyone else who will listen as to why. What are the thoughts that creep into your head in the form of worries or doubts about whether you are up to the challenges that come your way? They might include:
- “I’m too busy”
- “I can’t do that/I’d be rubbish/I’m not qualified enough”
- “X would be better at that than me”
When you recognise them, write these down. If you are serious about change and whatever it is that you are trying to achieve, you will need to identify the false stories, you have constructed about yourself, examine where they come from and then you need to do something to combat them. This is where coaching can help.
Remembering that thoughts are not fact, what evidence do you have for your thoughts? Instead of looking for examples in your life to confirm your negative thinking, look for examples when the opposite has been true.
However, the stories may have one foot in fact! Most of us do have too much on our plates and cannot fit anything else in. If that is the case and the goal is still important to you, then something has to give and prioritisation choices will have to be made. It is true that time is finite and this needs acknowledgement.
I would explore strategies with the nurses; how could they manage energy instead of time, get rid of ‘time sinkers’ in their day, ask for support from others? How could they ensure they were replenishing themselves to think more clearly and maximise time for focused work. If there was a real concern about study skills after so long, what could they do to improve these? Who could they talk to, what courses could they attend to upskill?
3. What do you know about yourself that is going to help you manage this process?
Most nurses are masters of time management as they juggle a multitude of tasks at home and work. As anyone who has studied for a prolonged period of time, this is an essential skill and is half the battle if you get it right! Encouraging someone to see how they could transfer this skill to their study planning was a practical way of making a big task feel more achievable. What skills might you have that will support you in achieving your goal?
I would ask what helped them to concentrate or when they tended to do their best thinking or work and then explore how to maximise this. Did they prefer to work in small chunks of time or larger blocks? How then could they incorporate this into their planning? Who were the people who could support them in this process emotionally or practically? What rewards are important to you? Might it be planning in small treats throughout the week or having the promise of a big one at the end?
How can YOU use what you know about yourself to your advantage?
Big Audacious Goals are likely to take some work to reach but we often give up at the first hurdle due our self limiting beliefs. These nurses didn’t give up and worked through the self limiting beliefs to achieve great things. Witnessing people achieve things they never thought they could is so inspirational. Yes, the smiles at graduation reflected the achievement of the qualification but also reflected the internal goals they had set themselves and beating those self limiting beliefs. They put the work in but most importantly, through exploring their barriers and strengths, they got out of their own way!
Do you need to get out of your own way?
Are the stories you are telling yourself holding you back?
If so, coaching could be for you. You can contact me on flamingoplm2022@gmail.com if this sounds like something you are interested in exploring further.