When life throws you curveballs, who do you turn to for support?
Have you put all your support team eggs in one basket?
I remember a nurse I used to work with a few years ago who was going through some difficult life challenges and as we were having a coffee break, she said to me that all her friends seemed to be drifting away and nobody wanted to listen to her anymore. Everytime she suggested meeting them for a coffee or dinner, she’d started noticing that they were either making excuses or suggested doing something active together when she just wanted to sit and chat...about herself and her problems.
Thinking back about this conversation and knowing what I know about the importance of watering relationships, the give and take of support, I wonder if her friends were not pulling away from her but were missing having fun with her. If you are constantly the ‘go to’ person for someone to lean on with problems, it can start to feel draining, no matter how much you love or want to support that person.
And we all have different strengths. When I’m in my ‘Julie’ mode as opposed to ‘burnout coach’ mode with friends and family, I hope I’m still a good listener but honestly, I’m much more likely to slip into curiosity about what’s going on and suggesting alternative perspectives. I feel I’m also a good person to bounce ideas off and I’m actually super calm and practical in a crisis – the result of being a mental health nurse for a couple of decades. But, if you need tea and sympathy, I’m not always the best first port of call!
So, I’m sharing a couple of thinking frameworks here for you to think about who you have in your support team and who you might be for the people in your world.
Assembling your beach support team: for life outside work
The wonderful team at the Ride the Wave coaching school talk about building your beach support team which feels very appropriate for those of us in Jersey:
Whis your lifeguard? Who do you know who is great in a crisis?
Who is your emotional first aider; this may be the same as your lifeguard but perhaps not as it may be someone who is less practical but someone who will be able to help you patch up any emotional wounds?
Your sun lounger buddy? Who are those people you can relax with, laugh and completely switch off? Where you can just be you.
Who can you build sandcastles with? Someone you can dream with, build ideas with and get excited about.
Who is your beach cleaner; a great planner, realist, pragmatist who might be able to help you practically? They might also knock a few holes in your sandcastles.
And who is your beach soul mate. Someone you can go for long metaphorical beach walks with; this will be the person you are inspired by, someone who just ‘gets’ you!
A support team at work: Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
Or maybe you can relate to the framework suggested by Dr Richard Duggins who works with healthcare staff in avoiding burnout. Do you remember the song ‘Heads and shoulders, knees and toes’?
Head: this is the person we go to if we need to get our head together. Someone who provides practical advice, supporting us to think through issues and help us consider our options. This might be a mentor, coach or a trusted colleague or line manager.
Shoulders: our friends, families and colleagues who are there for us when we need a shoulder to cry on. People who support us emotionally.
Knees: the people we have fun with at work (have a good ‘knees up’) which doesn’t have to mean party! We can sometimes underestimate the revitalising power of having informal chats during the day, water cooler chats etc
Toes: sometimes we need a bit of a ‘kick’ in the right direction. So these people might be considered our personal cheerleaders, who encourage us to step outside our comfort zone, who pick us up when we fall. People who challenge us to make the best of difficult situations.
Our support team changes as we move through life. Some people move through your life and some stay. We’re social animals so support can really be a potent weapon when live throws us curveballs.
So, who is in your beach support team or who forms your ‘heads, shoulders, knees and toes’? And who are you for others?
I’m having breakfast with one of my sandcastle builders later this week. Someone who I met through self employment and who has become a friend. Someone who I explore business ideas but also have fun with as we both love writing and literature. I think I will tell her she’s my sandcastle builder and how much I appreciate this.
Enjoy building sandcastles everyone.