Sorry I’m late…. I didn’t want to come!
Introversion and extroversion are not exclusive traits. It’s a continuum and we all display elements of both in different situations but if, like me, you...
· Need to come out of your protective shell to fulfil your personal or professional roles
· Can put yourself out there when needed but then need to withdraw to replenish by bingeing on Netflix, eating chocolate or reading/walking quietly by yourself
· Have found yourself actively resisting events (in person or virtual) that have the word ‘networking’ on the agenda
...then the book ‘Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want to Come’ by Jessica Pan will not only make you laugh but may encourage you to be brave and work through some discomfort to reap significant rewards socially and professionally. I’m writing this as somebody who is naturally shy and prefers speaking to people individually or in small groups of people I know very well. Yet, over the years, I’ve learned to live with discomfort for short periods of time to open myself up to new experiences and connections with new people.
When I was employed by organisations, it was easy to exist under the radar, behind the scenes or to use the protection of the professional badge. Unlike Jessica, I used to be early for events rather than late because the thought of walking into a crowded room where I may not know anybody was anxiety provoking and if I didn’t see someone I knew immediately, I was likely to turn tail and run! If I was one of the first there, I could set up camp in a safe place (or a corner)! At my worst, I remember going to use the facilities three times in a lunch hour of a conference just to take up some time rather than speak with people I didn’t know.
Thankfully, over the years, I’ve got better with this which is just as well considering my business is about people and I needed to be a lot more visible than I was initially comfortable with. I now need to be able to talk about what I am offering unless I expect prospective clients to be mind readers. The more I’ve spoken about this reluctance with others, the more I’ve realised that people who I’ve considered to be quite extrovert have the same concerns; they were just practising better self management techniques.
I won’t be trying all of Jessica’s techniques (stand up comedy anyone? I don’t think so) but her book did make me reflect on the changes I’ve made that have helped me to survive and thrive in my new professional world. I’m sharing three things that have worked for me whether it is at a work event or a party!
1. It’s not all about me!
This was probably the most impactful change in mindset I cultivated. Instead of worrying about what I should be saying and whether what I had to say was interesting, I shifted the focus onto others. I asked questions. I listened and was interested in what they had to say. If I had information or resources that could help them, I shared them and made sure I followed up after meeting someone by email or social media even if it was just to say that I had enjoyed meeting them and hoped our paths might cross at some time in the future. I started doing this whilst I was employed by others with no thought of how it might benefit me. However, I met some fascinating people and now that I am working for myself, those relationships and connections have proved to be extremely helpful as many of those same people are now sharing resources and information with me. I would have missed all of those connections and missed meeting some really inspirational people if I’d hidden away.
2. Setting myself a target and then giving myself permission to leave
I’ve done this at both professional and social events that involve talking with people I might not know well or at all. Instead of not turning up or hiding, I set myself a goal. For example, I might decide to:
· Stay 30 mins and then go – who says we have to stay for a whole event?
· Talk to three people I haven’t met before
· Agree with my colleague (or friend) that we will not just talk to each other all night!
I usually achieve more than I had set myself but sometimes I don’t and that’s okay too. I don’t beat myself up. If I’m really not up to it on that day, I call it quits and go home for Netflix and chocolate! At least I will have tried and it gets easier each time.
3. Volunteer to be part of the event
This has been the hardest one to master but by far the most beneficial. Over the years, I’ve been fortunate enough to present my work in education or health at conferences or workshops. I have found on these occasions that I do not have to make the effort to network as people will actively come and find me specifically to ask about what I have presented. I can sit in my safe corner and talk about something I am passionate about!
However, you don’t have to go as far as to be a presenter. For example, if it is your organisation that is hosting the event, volunteer to help with the registration or showing people to tables etc. Or perhaps you can offer to put together a display for your organisation and stand by it during the breaks. Again, people will come to you to find out more. This is a great way to meet people and get a sense of who is who in your world.
This all takes practice, but I’ve found that the discomfort eases the more I make the effort. You still won’t find me staying late at evening work events and I’m still likely to be in the kitchen at parties finding something to do but I will have been present in every sense of the word and I will be making new friends and connections along the way – some of them might even be you!
Are you willing to be uncomfortable for five minutes to try something new?
Conversation is easier once you’re talking and many potentially great experiences and people will elude you if you’re not willing to be a little uncomfortable at first. So, next time you are feeling nervous about being in a professional or social situation you are uncomfortable with, what can you do differently that might make a difference even if it is just for five minutes?
If you recognise yourself in this and would like some support to make changes then contact me for a free discovery call to see how professional coaching could help you move from discomfort by making small, sustainable changes. Life is not a rehearsal, so why not live in the most meaningful way for you?
Julie