“We have two lives. The second one only begins when we realise we only have one”

This Chinese proverb (attributed to Confucius) is written on a post it note stuck on the noticeboard above my desk. Such a simple sentence but it packs an emotional punch.

I wonder what it means to you as you read it?

That proverb means something to me personally. We are here for a relatively short time and this life is mine to live. Although there are always internal and external barriers there is much I can and do control to ensure that I really do live my life the way I want to live it which includes:

·      Prioritising joy: throwing myself into writing, travel, learning, friendships and new experiences

·      Giving back: either through my work with charities or volunteering in the community

·      Making an impact: through my work, my learning and my relationships

·      Growth and development: things don’t always go to plan, particularly when you are self employed so I’ve learned to live with uncertainty. I have to put myself out there so people know who I am and what I do so I’ve had to step over self consciousness. I’m often on the edge of my comfort zone as I find my way through my new work world.

But I didn’t always think like this and I didn’t always live like this. I used to live like I had all the time in the world, sometimes (or perhaps often) living on autopilot, drowning under a sea of never ending tasks and expectations, recognising I wanted things to change but I would sort myself out one day!

I spent the first 50 years of my life waiting to be found out. It was as if I was constantly trying to ‘catch up’ but was never quite sure what exactly I was trying to catch up with! I had always done things at least a decade later than most of my peers, whether that was going to parties or learning to drive. I didn’t go to University until I was 30 – and even then it was on day release, whilst working full time as a mental health nurse. It’s not that I didn’t want to do those things, but more I didn’t think they were for ‘people like me’ and those thoughts protected me but also kept me ‘small’.

For many years, I kept myself stuck in old patterns and habits, consciously and unconsciously placing limits on myself and what I could achieve in work and outside of work. At this point in my life I wasn’t unhappy, but I had a nagging feeling that there was unfinished business in my head and in my life and I knew I was overly concerned with the perceptions and expectations of others. Nobody else was going to wave a magic wand and improve things for me so I made a decision to sort my ‘stuff’ out!

1.        So I started journalling and asking myself questions like:

·      ‘What is important to me? What are my values?’ – harder to articulate than you might think

·      How are these values currently showing up in my life at work or home...or not?

·      What is stopping me moving in the direction that I want to go? Are there external or internal barriers?

·      What assumptions am I making about what I can achieve and how do I know this is true?

Ideas started to emerge but I still felt stuck. I knew what I was interested in but how did I make this stuff happen?

2.        I took a coach training course – which required me to have coaching myself and this was the missing puzzle piece as she asked me questions such as:

·      Whenever I said ‘but what if X doesn’t work/I fall flat on my face’, she would offer a reframe and say ‘but what it it does/what if you fly’? This encouraged me to consider ‘what could be’ as opposed to all the things that could go wrong.

·      When I was starting to move towards self employment but worried about taking the leap of leaving a well paid job, I said ‘I’ve never been unemployed before’. Again, she offered me the reframe of ‘what’s another world for unemployment’? My answer was ‘freedom and opportunity to explore the direction I want to take and to have a go’.

I started to understand that mostly, what was getting in my way was myself. This reminded me of a piece of research carried out by a palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware who spoke with people at the end of their lives about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently. She found five common themes which can be found on her website (https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/). The one that always strikes a chord with me though, is the final one:

I wish that I had let myself be happier…

The way that is worded is significant. It is not ‘I wish I had been happier”. Instead it reads “I wish I had let myself be happier” which positions happiness as a choice.

Within our own unique circumstances, which are different for us all we can choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. So, I’m going to ask again...

“So tell me. What is it you want to do with your one, wild and precious life”

(Mary Oliver)

If you want a thinking partner to explore this? Get in touch.