Get comfortable with FOMO and protect your energy by saying no to things you DO want to do
It’s hard to say no.
We could probably all benefit from a bit more discerning with our yes and no. Do you agree?
But it’s sometimes easy to assume that to do this is just about finding a bit more courage to decline things we never really wanted to do in the first place. Of course that’s always easier said than done although I use many strategies to do this effectively and it does get easier with practice and consistency.
However, in reality, if we’re talking about protecting our energy so we can focus on the things that are the most important to us, it’s more complex than that.
It’s actually learning how to start saying no to things we DO want to do.
As a self employed coach, there are so many opportunities for:
New pieces of work
New coaching clients
New networking opportunities
New learning opportunities
All exciting, all interesting but if I said yes to them all, I would burn myself out very quickly. So, I experiment with different ways of thinking to make sure I use my energy in the most effective way...even though it occasionally results in a definite feeling of missing out!
Since I read Oliver Burkeman (author of Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals) I’ve been trying the following:
1. Paying myself first in terms of time:
I know what my priorities are for my business. Commitment to my coaching clients and training delivery around avoiding, managing or recovering burnout comes first. This is my reason for setting up in the first place, being of service to others, using my knowledge, skills and experience in the most effective way I can. So I am clear on what my capacity for each of these aspects of my business are and I prioritise them but I do NOT overcommit, meaning I sometimes have to operate a waiting list or delay training delivery until I have capacity to do so.
In the past, I may have overcommitted, said yes to it all straight away and then become stressed and overwhelmed which would result in a less than optimal service. I also need to leave time for other essentials such as supervision, learning, business development and marketing.
I also know what my priorities are outside of work so I say yes to spending time with good friends and family, to writing, to yoga and walking, to having quiet restorative time by myself. This all goes in the diary before I even consider saying yes to other things. Then if I can fit other requests in that I am interested in but are not essential, then I will. But if my tank is empty after my priorities are sorted then I am clear about saying no thank you. To be quite honest, this is less likely to result in FOMO but I do get JOMO – joy of missing out!
2. Resist the temptation of middling priorities.
Oliver Burkeman describes a story attributed to Warren Buffet who advises people to make a list of the top twenty five things they want out of life and to arrange them in order from the most important to the least. The top five items should be those around which they organise their time. However, the remaining twenty items should not be waiting for their turn to be prioritised when we get the chance. Instead, they should actively be avoided at all costs because if they are not sufficiently important to take a top five spot, they have the potential to distract us from the ones that matter most.
This sounds a bit brutal but it has actually really helped me make some business and life decisions that have kept me from becoming overwhelmed (at work) or drained (out of work). So now
I am much less likely to attend a networking event that looks interesting but will mean I am having to work extra hours at the weekend to catch up.
I no longer say yes to pieces of work that do not align with the focus of the work that I do. This means I keep my capacity clear to work with individuals and teams who really want to work on avoiding burnout.
If my tank is empty before a social event, I will admit this to myself and either send my apologies or be honest about it with whoever I am meeting and say ‘can we please just talk about rubbish and have a laugh’?!
All of this means I can say a whole hearted yes to the things that are really important to me.
If this means I occasionally look at a social media posting of an event I chose not to attend and feel a pang of FOMO (as I did this week), then so be it. I would rather be operating on a full tank for my clients, for me and those close to me. If I choose to use my Fridays for my writing instead of catching up with work colleagues for a coffee, I do so intentionally because I know how I want to spend however many of those 4000 weeks I have left.
Also, reminding us all, Mary Oliver asks...
“So tell me me, what is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
I can answer that question right now based on my values. I can answer it because I’ve spent a lot of reflection time thinking about it and exploring how to focus on what’s important.
I’m curious...how would you answer this question?
If you want a listening partner to help you work this out for yourself, you know where I am.