Choose your ‘hard’!

There is no such thing as an always-easy road in life. There are rarely such things as easy choices. Deciding to do one thing, or to take one path, or make a decision inevitably means saying ‘no’ to something else. All our choices have consequences for ourselves and others.

Taking risks is hard

Living with regret is hard

Choose your hard

Saying no is hard

Feeling drained is hard

Choose your hard

Communication is hard

Not communicating is hard

Choose your hard

Starting over is hard

Staying stuck is hard

Choose your hard

Lives are never easy but we can choose our ‘hard’.

 How do we choose what problems we want to have? How do we pick wisely?

I grew up believing that nothing worth having comes easy. And it’s true, all the things I’m most proud of achieving have taken a lot of focus, determination and time. However, when I think back to the rough and the smooth roads, I don’t think anything comes easy. What might look like a clear and cushy road ahead can end up rocky. Staying in our comfort zones is no guarantee of happiness or security. It might be a good short term solution but could just as easily end up in disenchantment or boredom and a place where we keep ourselves small.

In contrast, the roads that look potholed and dodgy can be the most rewarding roads to walk down albeit they may be littered with twists, disappointments or wrong turns along the way.

We’re confronted with daily choices that can turn out to be turning points with big impacts. A common theme in coaching conversations with people who are trying to avoid burnout is the tension between feeling the need to be visible, present and supportive for their team but not being able to get any quiet time to complete their own essential work.

In many cases, people tend to choose not to disappoint their team over allowing themselves time to complete their own workload, meaning they are often working many extra hours themselves in the evenings to complete the work they did not have time to do during the day. By choosing to prioritise the team, they will choose to deprioritise themselves which is often the road to creating a whole new problem leading to a risk of burning out. This leads to feelings of exhaustion, not being able to get anything done and potentially having to take an extended time away from work.

In these situations, we work together to find a middle road that involves setting some manageable boundaries depending on the work context that does not compromise the values of that person but also creates space so they can also do their job. This sometimes means short term discomfort and dealing with pushback as they and their colleagues get used to a different way of working.

We make a lot of assumptions and tell ourselves stories in our heads. We often feel that addressing problems head on is going to be awful and worry about what people will think. We don’t like inconveniencing others or upsetting them and we really don’t like awkward conversations!

However, what would be better? Short term discomfort and inconvenience or longer term resentment and exhaustion? Often we think we are avoiding a problem when really we are creating a much worse one for ourselves.

So, in this case the statements for choosing your ‘hard’ would be:

• Being constantly available for my team and solving everyone’s problems, not getting time for my own work is hard

• Setting boundaries and maintaining boundaries when there is pushback is hard

• Choose your hard

Weighing up the short and long term consequences of both these choices is helpful. Only you will know what you are able to tolerate but it’s important that you are making an informed choice understanding what the consequences are for both. We tend to ignore the long term risks which sets us up for bigger problems further down the line.

Choose yourself

Most of us tend to choose to inconvenience ourselves rather than let somebody else down. We disappoint ourselves rather than others. This is where resentment and frustration can build. Although I’m good at setting boundaries at work (it took a while though), I continue to be a work in progress in my personal life. In the past, when I’ve caved in and yes to something I was too tired to do, it has never turned out well. I’ve come to recognise that I’ve got an inner sulky teenager who comes out at times like this – sulky as opposed to throwing a tantrum! I feel resentful and frustrated but it’s nobody else’s fault. I was the one who said yes when I shouldn’t have!

Or perhaps it’s a difficult conversation at work we are avoiding. If those conversations are avoided, tensions simmer and unhelpful behaviour or situations may continue. In a work situation, there is nothing more demotivating than seeing unreasonable behaviour go unchallenged or unmanaged which then impacts on the morale of a team.

So...

• Having an uncomfortable conversation about behaviour at work is hard

• Managing poor morale and deteriorating relationships across the team as a result of unmanaged behaviour is hard

• Choose your hard

  The bottom line is, our actions, our decisions and our choices are within our control. It is a much more powerful position to be in to manage your own actions as opposed to being left to respond to things outside your control if you leave a situation or a decision to fester.

There’s a slide I use in one of my training sessions around avoiding burnout that always resonates with participants and I always witness rueful smiles and nods when I show it. It states:

There are no awards being given out for...

•       Sacrificing our mental health for a job

•       Most burnt out

•       Least time spent with family

•       Most tears held in

•       Taking on too many commitments

•       Making ourselves small for others

•       Pretending to be okay when we are not

We do not like to disappoint but if you constantly disappoint yourself, at the risk of your physical and emotional health, you can bet yourself you will be guaranteed to disappoint others long term.

A really good 20 minutes podcast by one of my favourites Dr Rachel Morris of ‘You are not a Frog’ popped up this week. It’s worth a listen. In fact all her episodes are worth a listen so please do dip in if podcasts are your thing.

So, I invite you to consciously choose your hard. Consciously choose what problem you want to have. And if you want some support to develop strategies to help you with whatever that choice is...then you know where I am!