Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. (Oscar Wilde)

Do you get comparisonitis?

OK, so that’s a made up word but it’s one that pops into my head every time I catch myself comparing myself with others or my situation with others. When I use that word, it’s a reminder to notice it, register it and then move past it.

 Because comparing myself to others doesn’t help me. In the past, probably until quite late in my career, I was in the habit of quietly comparing myself to others in or out of work. This meant I tended to:

·      Play it safe – staying in the role that I had given myself, behind the scenes, not really believing it was my place to be in the front

·      Keep quiet – thinking that others would and did know better so did not share the ideas or experiences that I had, fearing I would just expose myself if I spoke up

·      Self doubt: I didn’t put myself forward for roles or opportunities because I thought that someone else may do it better

·      Be a course collector! I always felt that if I just did one more course or qualification, I would be as good as...

 Now of course a lot of this mindset is down to my early childhood and educational experiences but my goodness, they left a hangover that carried through into adulthood for a good few years.

So what changed?

I started being honest. Honest with myself and honest with others and then I got out of my own way.

It changed when I was in a classroom situation as a doctoral student. It was our first day and I had been quietly listening in awe to the confidence and experience around me in the other students. We were all mature students and all working in educational institutions ranging from primary schools to Universities. At the time, I was working as a Senior Lecturer for Nursing Studies in Jersey with a contract with a UK University. We were in our first group tutorial and our professor asked us to share our hopes and concerns for the programme. I happened to be sitting on the end of the line and so I was asked to answer first.

For the first time, I was honest about how I was feeling and admitted that I wasn’t sure whether the programme was right for me or if I was capable of studying at that level as it might be a bridge too far. As I was speaking, my inner voice/person was rolling it’s eyes as if to say ‘you’ve done it now, they’re going to ask you to leave now they know you can’t do this’.

But to my amazement, the professor shared that she had felt exactly the same when she started out. Then the domino effect occurred and everyone else, bar one, shared that they felt exactly the same. It was like a collective sigh of relief.

Once I started admitting to people whom I trusted that I was comparing myself to others, I started realising that many of the people I was comparing myself to were also comparing themselves to others...and to me!  One of the statements that stuck with me most was...

“Julie, nobody has this stuff figured out. We’re all just trying our best. By comparing yourself to others, you are missing out on the opportunity to shine as you.”

At around the same time, I came across a quote by Theodore Roosevelt

Comparison is the thief of joy (Theordore Roosevelt)

Mark Twain went one better and called comparison the ‘death’ of joy. That might be taking it a bit too far, but it can certainly rob us of potential opportunities.

But, as we are humans, knowing this and putting our knowledge into action are two different things. In our world of everything on show, the opportunity to compare ourselves with others is ever present. Perhaps it rears its head when you are scrolling through LinkedIn or another social media platform.

I’m now very secure and confident in my professional credibility and no longer hide in the shadows but I still I still get the occasional dose of ‘comparisonitis’ when I start something new. For example, I notice it when:

·      I see polished posts from other self employed colleagues

·      I start a new writing course and compare myself to others in the room who I assume are all creative geniuses

But now I know what to do with those feelings:

1.        I recognise it and ask myself:

·      Where has this thought come from?

·      How appropriate is this comparison I’m making? Has this person been self employed for much longer than me/been writing for decades?

·      What assumptions am I making here? We all know that what we see on the surface is not necessarily reflecting what is going on behind the scenes. I don’t actually know anybody who does not have doubts, feels uncertain or does not face challenges.

·      Is what I’m doing still true to my values?

2.        But then I do love a good role model! So, if I’m comparing myself to someone or to a situation that I’m drawn to, I get curious instead of dispirited.

·      What is it about this person/situation that I’m admiring or respecting?

·      What could I learn from them?

3.        Trust yourself

·      I remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing in the way I’m doing it. What unique experiences, insights do I bring to my work or my writing?

·      If I let comparisonitis take hold, what could I be missing out on?

So if you find yourself comparing yourself to others, I invite you to:

·      Notice it

·      Question your assumptions

·      Ask yourself what you could me missing out on if comparisonitis takes hold!

If you want support to work your way through any of this, you know where I am.

But really, most importantly, be YOU because everyone else is taken.