Listen well…sit back and watch the magic happen!
“I don’t have any headspace to think properly”
Does this sound like you? If so, you might need a good ‘listening to’!
The picture with this blog popped up on a friend’s social media last week and it made me laugh. As a coach, I’m always thinking about the value of listening because I constantly hear versions of the quote above from a recent client. This particular client is in a busy, high pressured role and rarely gets any time to think in peace about all the different cogs of her work and home life she is trying to manage.
As she settled into our time together, I could see her sit back in relief and noticed her breathing change when she realised she was actually going to have the space to talk about the things that are important to her. It felt like she had been waiting to exhale.
And that’s not because the people around her...colleagues, friends, family, don’t care or want to help or listen...but we’re not always great at listening to each other in social or work situations...even if we think we are!
I’m a bit of a fangirl about the work of Nancy Kline who talks and writes about the importance of a creating space for thinking. I could fill pages with quotes from her but one I’ve used over and over when working with health care teams on putting either supervision or peer support systems in place is this...
“We think we listen but we don’t. We finish each other’s sentences, we interrupt each other, we moan together, we fill in the pauses with our own stories, we look at our watches, we sigh, frown, tap our finger, read the newspaper, or walk away. We give advice, give advice, give advice. Even [professionals] listen poorly much of the time. They come in too soon with their own ideas. They equate talking with looking professional.”
Nancy Kline, More Time to Think
Listening well is a powerful gift to give someone; at home or work. Listening with attention assumes the other person is the expert in their own lives, that they are likely to have the answers or inner resources to work through whatever is going on with them but they just need the headspace and thinking space to do this.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times in a coaching session or an action learning set where someone has had a lightbulb moment by just being given the space to think and said... ‘now I’m saying it out loud, I can see that...’ followed by a really valuable insight as to where to go next with their thinking. If we jump in too soon, that opportunity is lost.
Of course, sometimes we do just need to have a good moan and we want someone to sympathise and perhaps agree with us. Sometimes we do want advice and both of those things are okay.
But sometimes...and perhaps more often than you think...we actually just want someone to listen to us. It can be extraordinarily validating to feel that someone is giving you the space to express your thoughts and your feelings and not just waiting for you to finish your sentence so they can jump in with their own opinion or story of when it happens to them.
I can share two different ends of the spectrum from my own personal experience.
· A few years ago, I used to work with a leader who was very bright, full of ideas and passion about what she did. However, whenever I was speaking to her about an idea I had or a question/concern about something in the workplace, I could literally see her stop listening halfway through the sentence as she formulated what she was going to say back to me. This would invariably result in me not even getting to the end of a sentence before she interrupted with an idea of what we could do. She meant well but it wasn’t long before I stopped taking ideas or concerns to her because I did not feel listened to.
· And then a few years ago, an inspirational and thoughtful friend and ex colleague set up a ‘lean in’ circle for a small group of professional women who wanted space to think and to work through issues that were important to them. This experience was transformational for me because, as I tend to fall into the role of listener, (my background is mental health nursing so I’ve been schooled in the importance of listening for what feels like forever), I came to realise that I rarely feel listened to myself. The lean in circle made up of people I trusted gave me the opportunity to think out loud with no judgement or interruption and it was here that for the first time that I said out loud.
“I’m in the wrong job. I’m going to change direction, train to be a professional coach and set up my own business”.
You don’t have to be a coach to listen well...I invite anyone who’s reading to notice next time you’re interrupting someone who wants to talk (we all do it!), sit back and give your friend, family member, colleague the gift of your precious attention. Let the thinking space work its magic!
I’m going to end with another Nancy Kline quote that I always keep in mind when coaching those who are looking for ways to flourish and thrive...
“Until we are free to think for ourselves, our dreams are not free to unfold”
Perhaps you feel you would benefit from a good ‘listening to’! If so, oaching might be a great fit for you. Listening attentively, together with the use of careful and incisive questions can unlock your own inner expertise and give you the space to work out what would work for you, pointing you further in the direction you want to go. If this sounds like you or someone you know, then please do get in touch on flamingoplm2022@gmail.com