Are you trapped by the word ‘when’?

At the beginning of a coaching relationship I repeatedly hear versions of the following statements:

·       I will do X when I’ve retired

·       The situation at work will get better when X leaves/new person starts etc

·       When the kids leave home, I will...

·       I will travel when...

·       I will look for a new job when...

·       I will start taking more exercise/eating better when…

WHEN: a small but powerful word that can act as a protective mechanism and might represent real barriers to action but it might also be stopping you from moving in the direction you want to go.

I used to be trapped by the ‘when’. Three statements I found myself saying often were:

·       I will start my own coaching business when I’m retired (despite having qualified as a coach and knowing I loved it!)

·       I will go travelling when I’ve completed my doctorate/have a gap in employment (plus a variety of other reasons) despite knowing that travel feeds my soul.

·       I want to write a book and will start ‘when’ I have the time (I’ve wanted to do this for over 20 years!)

All these things were really important to me but I wasn’t doing anything about pursuing them. I was just talking about them and taking no action to make them happen. It wasn’t until I experienced personal coaching as part of the process for my coaching training and qualification that helped me to unpick these statements and work out which parts were pragmatic reasons for non-action and what was really fear and/or procrastination.

As a result, I was able to transfer dreams and intentions in my mind into small manageable steps to take me in the direction I wanted to go. My own coach helped me to escape the ‘when’ trap by giving me the space to think differently and explore:

·       Facing the fear of being ‘unemployed’ for the first time in 40 years by reframing the word ‘unemployed’ to ‘being free to explore the possibilities of forging my own path and using what I know and do well to create a new way of working’. Preparation was key for me. I allayed my own fears by setting myself up with a safety net (psychological and saving up financially) to ensure I had space in my first few months to really concentrate on setting up ‘People Like Me’ exactly the way I wanted it to be. Two years on, I’m loving my self-employed life – it can be tough at times and I have learned to live with uncertainty but the payoffs in terms of autonomy and joy are worth it.

·       When studying for my PhD I studied all through my annual leave and weekends so had saved up money to take a sabbatical when I had finished - studying that hard deserves a reward! BUT...just after I finished, I got offered what sounded like my dream job and took it. After a few years I was ready to go again but the pandemic hit. Then I started up People Like Me. So...the money was still there but the time wasn’t – or was it? I could have again resorted to ‘when I retire I will travel’ but once again, I was able to reframe and instead of taking a long period of time out to travel, I now do it in chunks – arranging my working life so that I work hard in-between shorter trips of travel. The pic below is a very happy me. I’ve just returned from a dream adventure trip to Madagascar to see lemurs in the wild and plant a tree as part of their reforestation programme.

·       I’ve always wanted to write a book but never seemed to find the time to do it. However, the reality was that I wasn’t creating and prioritising that time to start. I know I can create time because I did my doctorate whilst working full time and ran three marathons during this time so I knew I was capable of managing time well! I transferred this thinking to writing and now I have two dedicated spaces in my week that are prioritised alongside the rest of my life to write...and I’m halfway through writing a novel!

Fear and lack of headspace to think clearly had kept me from following these dreams for a long time. I cannot tell you how exciting it is to be doing these things now and how much all of them have enriched my life. I now support others through coaching to untangle their own thoughts processes and work out whether their own ‘when’s are traps or healthy protective mechanisms – it is different for everyone.

It's not all about travel of course but one client from the last 12 months who said she had lost her sense of joy is currently on a year long trip around the world and another took her own very first solo trip to a Greek Island to read and unwind from a very busy professional role having always been afraid of being judged if travelling alone. She came back feeling empowered and ready to throw herself back into her much loved job.

I invite you to consider your own ‘when’ and notice when you find yourself using that word.

Perhaps you want to/dream of:

·       Changing your job?

·       Writing a book/blog/poetry?

·       Learning a new skill?

·       Qualifying in something new?

·       Travel more?

·       Work on managing all the cogs of your life a bit more effectively?

Then consider what the ‘when’ is about...

·       If it’s a financial issue, start small. Is it something you can put small amounts of money aside for? Reduce spending elsewhere?

·       If it’s something that requires time, what small pockets of time can you create? If you want to write, how about starting to write for 10 minutes a day and create that habit?

·       If you want to change your job, start to follow some key career change experts on LinkedIn, arrange to meet for coffee with someone who works in the area you are interested in.

There may be very real and pragmatic reasons why you are unable to jump straight into something but you can start with small steps and point yourself intentionally in that direction. Coaching can be invaluable here. Having thinking space with someone who will listen and ask those ‘killer questions’ enables you to untangle those thoughts and fears and plan actionable steps towards where you want to go. As one client recently said to me at the end of her coaching package...

“The coaching sessions have been a revelation. I gained so much insight into myself. I'm glad someone was able to help me untangle my thoughts. Having the time to stop and think in our sessions really helped – the excuses I was telling myself just didn’t make sense when I said them out loud. I’m looking forward to plotting next steps”.

Don’t be trapped by your own ‘when’. The only person who is impacted is you. Everyone else is living their own lives.

So rip off the plaster and start to move in the direction you want to go. If you are feeling stuck, coaching might support you in this (and I know it will!) – then get in touch for an initial chat (flamingoplm2022@gmail.com)and you can choose where to take it from there.